I just Got Fired
10.16.08 (9:36 am) [edit]You know, I made this blog to have a place to vent my frustrations and problems. I know it seems like I must be a horrible person to be around, but that is just because this blog is where I bitch at. I love puppies, art, kittens, snugglng up with my man and watching a movie. I like long bubble baths and shopping. I am really not that dark and depressed most of the time. I just wanted to clarify that for all those who must think I am a nutjob. So back to the topic at hand. I got fired. This is the first time I have ever been fired in my life. This was also the only job I have ever liked in my life. I loved all the people I worked with, and all the people I waited on. I had a great time working there, and will miss it horribly. Your probably wondering why I got fired. I know the basic reason of why, but the reason is unclear. In a gas station there is two ways you can be short, short in your gas, and short in your drawer. I done well for weeks, which is why I have not been here bitching. Then things took a turn for the worst and I started loosing money. Everyone who got their gas payed for their gas, but if I forgot to make a note of someone who made a pay off, it could result in making it look short. I have a lot on my mind and a load of stress, so it would be easy for me to make a mistake. But there was one more possibility. One of my co-workers was trying to teach me how to steal. There were these gas cards that truckers used that charged their gas to their company. The truckers never payed much attention to the exact amount that they were charged. This co-worker told me I could charge around 10-20 $ extra per card and it wouldn't get noticed. This person said they sometimes come out with a hundred dollars a day. They said the reason they was telling me this is because they knew I was in a hard spot and wanted to help me out. But with my sudden loss of money, over and over again after doing so well for so many weeks, I can't help but wonder if it was a legitimate mistake. Or perhaps she was robbing me. I do not know this for sure, so I kept my promise that I would not tell her secret even if I was fired. Besides, this person is related to the owner of the business and it would just look like I was trying to blame someone else for my mistakes anyway. I will miss all my co-workers. I have never worked at a place before where I liked everyone. At one point I also thought I had the greatest boss I could ever find. I would have been happy working there for the next 20 years. That is the painful part of getting fired from there. I am sad about it, and depressed because for the first time in a long time I had some money. I got to buy avon, and shop. I will miss it until I have that again.
Work
10.07.08 (10:16 pm) [edit]I am doing well at work, I guess I got the hang of it. I can't imagine wanting to work anywhere else. I hope I get a pay raise someday. I am able to take care of myself at least. It's good to not have to ask for shit anymore. I am doing really well actually, because my husband has agreed that we need our own home. I never thought we would, but we have begun saving for our own home. Or rather a down payment. We got the place to build it, so we aren't so far away. It really makes me feel better about everything that happens here, because now I just feel like I am visiting. This is not my home. What goes on in it does not affect me. If I don't like it, I will simply go to my designated area and dream of the day we go get whats to be ours.
Why you shouldn't live near family
10.07.08 (8:53 pm) [edit]When you live by family, they think they can come and go as they please. Imagine people who are so pathetic that they would rather spend all their money on dope, and get illegal electric and tv. After they piss off their dope doing friends, they get reported. Now the scumb comes here and baths, does laundry, and probably steals. I know one of them hides behind the house and eavesdrops sometimes. I am always finding something missing, but right now I am furious because I am missing something really special. I am also missing things that are important to me, like certain toiletries and things of that nature. I hate this. I really fucking hate this shit. They will never better themselves. They will remain a parasite.
Thugs come calling
09.12.08 (6:45 am) [edit]It's not wonder I mess up at work, when other things are clouding my thoughts. I had a guy come into work who I find a bit scary, to tell me so and so of my inlaws, owes them money. I don't know what it has to do with me, but I am worried to death that I could be in danger because of what the people that are around me are doing. it really is no wonder I sometimes mess up, I am too nervous about the rest of my life all the time.
Good news
09.12.08 (6:36 am) [edit]As it turns out, I am not fired. My coworkers had me scared to death, but apparently because I am honest and really trying, he is giving me a little slack. I am glad because I really like that job, and all of my coworkers. That is a rare thing for me. It's a gas station, and there's lots of different forms of money you have to keep track of, and it's always there, but sometimes it hides from the unexperienced eye. I am just glad nothing has went missing, so no one can tell me I am a thief.
Getting Fired For the First Time.
09.10.08 (6:07 am) [edit]I am going to get fired.
I have never been fired before.
Half of it is shame, because I am not getting fired for being a dumbass and doing what most people get fired for from a store. I am getting fired because I make too many mistakes. I try not to, and I don't mean to, but sometimes I screw up, and it's not the kind of place you are supposed to screw up in ever. One of my co-workers happen to come in and save my life last night, because I had lost 300 dollars somehow, and she found it. Apparently I am bad for keying in the products wrong, and making it look like things were'nt paid for. I am simply not good at my job so far. I am hoping I have a chance to get better, but I am not so sure I will. I keep getting so nervous. The nerves makes it worse. So I screw up and get nervous about getting into trouble, and the nerves make me screw up again... I am going through a vicious cycle. This is my first real job in 5 years. For 5 years I slept all day, woke up and night, played on the internet till 6am, and done it all again. I have screwed myself up from depression, and it's a lot harder to get back into life as I thought it would be. I am a screw up right now, trying not to be.
But it may be too late for me already. I am going to go get ready for work, knowing I may show up just to be told to leave. My stomach is in knots, and I can't stand the anticipation.
It must be hopeless
09.07.08 (6:14 pm) [edit]Sometimes it doesn't matter what you do, you are doomed. I still have my job I like, but everything else slowly falls apart. It wasn't but a couple of weeks ago that an inlaw who lives next door got 12 drug dealers busted. Before you shout "WOOHOO for him" know that some of them were involved somehow with a Chicago mafia. Now it is out who done it, and we are all in danger. So far our house has been burned down, and the relative who started all this has been getting death threats. So because he is scared for his life, he now keeps his car parked in OUR drive way. I guess it doesn't matter as much if we get hit by the hailstorm of bullets that had his name on them. Yeah I know what your going to say ... 'make him move it'... but thats not easy. You see, this home is not our home, and the owner of this home is too wimpy to make them move their car. They don't want to hurt their feelings. So, I may be murdered for living here, but what the hell. It's not like life's been good to me anyway. Its almost funny.
New Life
08.11.08 (6:33 pm) [edit]I done it. I finally found a job. I thought I would be doomed to fast food for the rest of my life, but I have found a place I really enjoy. I work at a gas station. I have worked twice so far, but the third day is the day that I run the store alone. I am very nervous about it, but I have decided that I am not going to get creeped out and bail. They will have to fire me before I do that. I will be a long term worker there, or I will fling myself from a bridge. I have tremendous amounts of social anxiety, but I find that I can say hello and thank you with a smile quite easily. I just hope I don't screw up any of the complicated damn paper work.
Water on Mars
08.01.08 (9:59 pm) [edit]I saw someone had posted pics of water on mars, but I couldn't get them to work. So I went and googled it, and this is the best pic I found.
Redneck Tendencies
08.01.08 (9:34 pm) [edit]I deleted the hysterically miserable post, because I think I tend to exaggerate. That was how I was feeling at the time, but it's rare and more because I am so nervous. I am so high strung and have so much anxiety, it would be a damn hard thing to do to keep me happy all the time. Things have went exactly opposite of the way I wanted them to for my life. Every nightmare I have ever had has come true. One of the worst things is being homeless. I am glad I am not on the streets, but having to live in someone else house is not easy. Especially when it's so crazy to live there. The head of the household is a strong fundamentalist Christian. I am Christian, but I wouldn't join a 'god hates fags' group. I believe this person would. To be there peacefully I am trying to change everything I am. I have gone from a dark grumpy bitch, to a church going person who wears too many long dresses. Sometimes though, I feel a strong urge to do something psychotic!! LIKE RUN DOWN THE ROAD NAKED AND DRUNK!!! I WANNA GROW A MARIJUANA PLANT AS BIG AS A TREE, AND SHOOT MY GUN AND POP BOTTLES IN THE FRONT YARD AT 3am !!!!! ... Of course, that's just the devil talking.
haunted
07.31.08 (10:18 pm) [edit]I am haunted by this bit of knowledge I have. I think about it all the time. I am going to write it here, so stop reading if you don't want to be haunted too.
I am giving you a chance to not know....
Alright, you ask for it.....
The brain sends electrical shocks for 37 hours after death. That means you are thinking (maybe) for that long after you die. Can you feel, see or hear?? I don't know, but it scares the crap out of me. i don't understand why death has to be so scary, or why we have to die so quickly after we get here. It seems like life is so short.
job hunt
07.28.08 (7:37 pm) [edit]An ice cream shop is hiring. I am going to try and get it. The last place I tried wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole. I knew they wouldn't. I could tell by looking at all the employees that I wouldn't end up there. They were all young, sleek and hot. I knew I wouldn't fit in there and it didn't look like they wanted me anyway. I am not complaining. I do think it sucks that people try to fill their business with people that look a certain way. Just because I am hot doesn't mean I can't do the job damnit. Another thing I don't think is fair is the fact that a few places have decided to not hire me because my credit was bad. Since when does bad credit mean a person is unfit for a job? My bad credit is why i want a job, to fix it!
How far gone I am
07.25.08 (8:29 pm) [edit]I am so ripped in the heart tonight. It's my birthday weekend! And my husband and I are in different counties. We are not together because he doesn't want to be with me. Well, not that he hates me, but I am not worth the annoying trip. That is all there is to it. There is always a reason, but the reasons never add up. He loves spending as much time away from me as he can, and gets annoyed with me when I notice. I feel so alone. I just sent him a second page, and now I watch the damn phone and hope he will at least rip free from whoever he is talking to long enough to talk to me. But so far I have typed all this crap and - no call. I just feel so alone. And I wonder if he is where he says he is. If he is, I am evil.
I don't want to make him out to seem bad, it is not him 100%. It is really me. I always get wronged, I have never been lucky one time in my life. I meet this guy, and I think I have finally met the last honest guy on earth. He would never lie to me, or cheat me in any way.
But I have seen him lie to others recently, and I have seen him lie to his family recently. I didn't think he would do that past covering up his bad habbits. Now I wonder if he really is working on those long 12 hour days. Now I wonder if he could be lying to me.
Tonight though, I really blew it, no matter how much he may be changing. When he told me he wasn't going to drive 30 minutes to see me because he couldn't find enough gas money, I was skeptical. Money isn't usually something he has a huge problem with. I begged him to keep trying, then he calls up and tells me he has a friend in the hospital dying and can't come. I hear his 'trouble buddy`s voice in the background and wig out. I know it's BS, and he is going to go out and party.
I get on-line and see the news story of a local man who was hit by a frickin mac truck. It wasn't a lie. Now who's got the problem? Sometimes I am not so sure myself. Crow for supper is a lousy birthday meal.
How far gone I am
07.25.08 (8:26 pm) [edit]I am so ripped in the heart tonight. It's my birthday weekend! And my husband and I are in different counties. We are not together because he doesn't want to be with me. Well, not that he hates me, but I am not worth the annoying trip. That is all there is to it. There is always a reason, but the reasons never add up. He loves spending as much time away from me as he can, and gets annoyed with me when I notice. I feel so alone. I just sent him a second page, and now I watch the damn phone and hope he will at least rip free from whoever he is talking to long enough to talk to me. But so far I have typed all this crap and - no call. I just feel so alone. And I wonder if he is where he says he is. If he is, I am evil.
I don't want to make him out to seem bad, it is not him 100%. It is really me. I always get wronged, I have never been lucky one time in my life. I meet this guy, and I think I have finally met the last honest guy on earth. He would never lie to me, or cheat me in any way.
But I have seen him lie to others recently, and I have seen him lie to his family recently. I didn't think he would do that past covering up his bad habbits. Now I wonder if he really is working on those long 12 hour days. Now I wonder if he could be lying to me.
Tonight though, I really blew it, no matter how much he may be changing. When he told me he wasn't going to drive 30 minutes to see me because he couldn't find enough gas money, I was skeptical. Money isn't usually something he has a huge problem with. I begged him to keep trying, then he calls up and tells me he has a friend in the hospital dying and can't come. I hear his 'trouble buddy`s voice in the background and wig out. I know it's BS, and he is going to go out and party.
I get on-line and see the news story of a local man who was hit by a frickin mac truck. It wasn't a lie. Now who's got the problem? Sometimes I am not so sure myself. Crow for supper is a lousy birthday meal.
Today
07.24.08 (7:15 pm) [edit]Today I spent the day asleep. I went to bed at 3am last night, and slept until 11am. I got up for about one hour, and then I went back to sleep. I just meant to lay down and watch a movie, but I fell asleep. I stayed that way until 6pm. When I over sleep like this I wake up feeling like my head had been beaten with a cast iron skillet. I am worthless today. I am also extra dumbed down from a xanex I took and a joint I smoked. I went two days without smoking anything, and all it done was make me want to not be here. It is almost my big fat birthday, and I hate it. I am not happy with being 31, I certainly am not ready to be even older. I don't feel older than 16.
Scar #243
07.23.08 (1:24 am) [edit]The worst experience of my life happened when I was 11 years old. My mother had taken to jogging arond the neighborhood, and I of course wanted to go with her. We were a pretty good ways from home when my stomach started cramping. I told her it hurt, and it was serious, but she said she only had one more mile to go before she had her required 5 miles in for the evening. In other words, she didn't take me very seriously.
I almost made it, but I started trying to let some of the pressure off my stomach by releasing the lightest little farts loose. I thought that if I could get rid of some of the air, surely it would help the pain and I could make it till I got home. I am telling you this story because you should know - that doesn't work.
I ended up having to jog 3 blocks with a pant full of visible shit. Even though I was only 11 years old, grown women laughed at me. It was horrible. I still remember it twenty-something years later.
creepy family issues
07.23.08 (1:14 am) [edit]My cousin works for a man who was a hitman in the Mob in Chicago. Was is the major word here, now he's just a junk store owner, and small time criminal. I worry though about my cousin getting involved with people who have killed others for messing up. I get nervous just thinking about messing up and getting fired, much less end up sleeping with the fishes.
It was always a fantasy of mine to be a hit-woman. All dressed in shiny black leather, skulking through the darkness to claim my victim. Now I actually know a couple of these people. It's kind of scary to know that I have family who is involved in it. What if they try to do something stupid, and their punishment is one of their family members get shot? That is probably crazy because they aren't supposed to be involved in such things any more, that was all years and years ago, but hell... who knows.
I always use to watch those sad gangster movies, about the poor young black guys who have to join a gang just to make it in the hood. Hell, it's getting almost that dangerous everywhere these days. You never know whats going to happen from one day to the next. I don't really understand sometimes why the world has gone so wrong.
Why I am useless
07.19.08 (8:28 pm) [edit]I am a useless person right now. I am between jobs, and have been looking. But I always end up looking in the worst places to work.
I have a drug problem that limits my ability to get a decent job. Because of this, I hide from anything that involves drug testing. I am not an addict because I only smoke herb, yet I am an addict because it is hindering my life. I have smoked marijuana for 15 years. It use to not be such a big deal, but because of the crime uprise, due to illegal medication abuse, mostly pain pills. But it put a hurtin` on us potheads too, and now I am discovering something I never knew before.
It really is hard to stop smoking this stuff!
It's not addictive, and yet to not smoke it means to look at life head on, and not to be able to dull your senses during the hard times. I also use it to make boring times more entertaining. I also use it because it eases my stomach, and stops headaches. There are a million reasons I love marijuana, and now I have to stop. Not only because of the drug tests, but also because of the increase of seriousness of crime it has become. Where I once would have been fined, I would get locked up today. Plus, I am young. I am not in my 20's, but I am young. I still have a whole life ahead of me, and I don't want to waste it all hiding in the shadows, when with just a little restraint and sacrifice, I could be walking in the sunlight.
I know I can quit, and I know I can get over it. But I just don't know how to deal with crap when things get heavy. I quit for a month a while back, but it didn't work. Someone who is close to me is always getting high right in front of me. They deny that they do it, but when a person is stoned sitting right in front of me, I know it. Three families that live all around our home sell, or do oxy contin. And although I am a pothead, I am still glad that I never went any further with it than that. I know people who would sell their blood to get a fix if they wasen't afraid the blood would be checked. At least I don't loose my mind if I run out, and try to rob my own family.
This has got to change, I have got to get out of that town for things to change. There is just too much going on all the time, and I seem to be the kind of person who falls into the trap along with everyone else. At least I don't have a strong physical addiction, and will be able to change my life. I must keep that in focus above all other things. I need a clear mind, and a strong will to embark in this change. Anyways, go ahead and trash me now for being druggy scumb. You won't be able to do it for long.
Oh God No
07.19.08 (7:43 pm) [edit]I am so stupid. Today is the day before I go see a rock concert. I done the craziest thing I could have ever done. I ate jalepinia poppers. For those of you who don't know, in my area of the world this deep fried treat has become a local favorite. It is a hot pepper, breaded and stuffed with cream cheese. You deep fry them, and dip them in ranch and ... yum. The problem comes later, when it feels like molten lava is coming out of your south end. I have just wounded myself, on the worst night possible. Damn you cream cheese poppers, damn you all to hell.
My corny Homepage
07.19.08 (7:33 pm) [edit]Okay, here is my site. Hope someone signs the guestbook. It's corny, and you've probably seen a lot just like it, but it's exciting because it's my secret site!
http://dark123moments.angelfire.com/index2.html " title="http://dark123moments.angelfire.com/index2.html " target="_blank"http://dark123moments.angelfi...;
My call was short and sad
07.19.08 (7:10 pm) [edit]I just got off the phone with my husband. He is visiting his family right now. His mother had plans for him for tonight, so he wasn't able to talk to me long. What really stings is that he actually pretended that the phone was going dead just to get rid of me faster. After all, he had plans with his mom....
The main problem is I can't decide if I am being selfish or not. I know his mom is lonely, and he is the only person she can talk much to. I know she also thinks I hate how close they are. I don't mind him being close with his mother, the fact that he was good to his family is part of the reason I found him to be a winner. But I don't understand why I am always put in the background. I am less important. I can be put off for a while because I matter less. And it's an all the time thing.
Sometimes things just feel so unfair to me. For instance, if I call him, it's an interuption to the time he spends with his mom. But when he and I are together, if she calls him he turns me off like an old radio to spend time on the phone. I understand he worries and cares for his mother. But I was always under the impression that when two people get married, they become eachothers top priority. You leave your family to be with your new spouce.
I don't know if I am neglected, or just greedy.
Kitty Rocks
07.19.08 (5:31 pm) [edit]This is picklepuss. That is her name. She is probably the meanest cat who ever lived. She is 3 years old, and has spent most of those years looking out that window.
<img xsrc=";http://i36.tinypic.com/2lwk38...; border="0" alt="cat picture">
I feel blue
Yes it's true
I can't even screw
Because of you
I was sitting in my apartment and suddenly the front door goes BANG! Like someone tried to open it, but ran into a locked door instead. Of course, it was my little friend cock-block. That is all I am saying about her, because thats all she really does. I am never comfortable getting naked in my own home, because she could come busting in at any time with no warning. It sucks. And there is nothing I can do about it. Here I am married, and can't get freaky because some nosey wentch won't call first. It never ends.
Okay, so I am a bitch
07.19.08 (4:54 pm) [edit]I am a bitch. I am a bitch because I bitch and groan. I am a bitch because I rarely bend to the will of others. I am a bitch because I can't let myself be happy in less than satisfactory situations. I am a bitch because I want to be loved as much as I love, and I'm not feeling it. At all the other websites on-line, I could never say these things. It would all be seen by shocked and horrified family. Here I am shrouded by the fact that no one knows I am here, and have made an account. It's exciting. I feel like letting it all hang out. My husband pays less attention to me than his mom. He bends over backward to let her believe everything she wants to believe. He has turned our world upside down to suit her. It's enough to make me hate her, and sometimes I tell him I do. I have actually told him before that I wish the bitch would die. I regret that, and have told him so, I don't really hate her. I hate the control she still seems to have over our lives. I hate the way my husband, a grown man, will jump to the call of his mommy to this day. It makes him seem child like, and less manly. I can't explain why I feel this way, but its an edgy feeling to see your mother in law doing all but diapering your grown ass husband. I just wish she would find a new hobby. Its not like he ever does what she wants, or tells her the truth for that matter. While typing this post out though, I suddenly felt good. I saw the one thing that we have that's different. She knows nothing about him really, or what he does. But I know everything, the good and the bad. Sometimes I don't feel loved, but I am sure I am just being selfish again. I want - I want, mine all mine... that is me I'm afraid. But I am doing all I can to change it.
I am sick to hell of it
07.19.08 (4:04 pm) [edit]I am so sick of not being as important to others as they are to me. I am sick of being the person who can be there, or not, no one cares. I am tired of worrying about what people think of me, I am just me damnit. I am so damn sorry if that isn't enough for everyone. I try, but I am not the brain surgeon they wish I were. I can't do anything up to par for anyone. I feel like myself, and everything I do is half-assed. I am so tired of being second rate to my family.